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voices in my head

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fleeting flavors [06 Jul 2006|11:10pm]
I decided to restart my blogging. It's been a long time since I wrote. At the moment, I find myself having a lot of useless time. I amlways thought that It was fun to bum, but apparently it is tyring as well, you constantly have to find something new to do. I know that I shouldn't be complaining, not many people are given the chance to just just relax. I guess it is just that I am not used to this. I dont like that this time envokes thoughts that drive me insane.

I just got home from dinner with my barkada. It's nice to see the girls and how our lives have taken different turns. I have a friend that's married and is pregnant. The other is living in the states already. And the other one is in the dance of love. How we gossip and question the directions that we see. I mean I often wonder what do we want for each other? Happiness? Love? Or ever after? I don't want to be cheesy and say that I want it all for them. All I know is that they are the best bunch of ladies.
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[19 Jan 2003|10:19pm]
Graphically dependent words....

Boy that blew me away.

Well, back to work.
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[27 Jul 2002|11:32am]
[ mood | bitter ]

"We're not soulmates anymore. Someone else is... "

That hurts.

It's not that I believed that we are soulmates, or other beliefs similar to that, but I thought we were good friends, almost the best of them. And to be replaced by a "boy" that you've only known a year. That hurts.

These are the times when I loose my faith in friendship, in the end someone will always be more important to you than me. But tonight... tonight is for the old times. It is for that time in my life when you had played your card - and won a companion.

And after you leave and go back to your soulmate - I am going to get so totally wasted.

. yes I am bitter.

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[01 Apr 2002|12:04am]
I too have resulted to this? Such deceit is unnatural.
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[20 Nov 2001|08:37pm]
I hate this cold.

I hate the way it makes my body week and fragile.
I hate the way it makes me depend on my lovely pueple tissue box.
I hate the way it makes my voice sound different.

Damn, I really hate this cold...
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[19 Nov 2001|07:43pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Spent almost the entire weekend with my friends. I had so much fun, I spent hours playing monopoly, watching anime and the 10th kingdom. I also spent hours talking and listening and laughing.. pure laughter... There was a never ending hail storm of laughter. I was also supposed to stay up and watch the meteor shower (which is supposedly the only one for the next 90 years). But some how, we never got around to do it.
I had so much fun despite my horrible cold and sore throat ( I sounded really bad and had to drag a throat ( I sounded really bad and had to drag a tissue box where ever I went) There were moments in this extremely joyous celebration that reminded me of my high school days. The time when things were so much simpler, when it was so much more innocent.

--> But life goes on, things change and dreams just seem to grow. Life now is sometimes easier and sometimes harder. But it is certainly more complicated. And somehow, weirdly enough I am anticipating the changes to come... I guess, this is because I know that maybe even twenty years from now, we will still be laughing, together, still playing monopoly; still never giving up our time together

Because no matter what, in this few seconds, in the fewer moments of that laughter or just "togetherness", lives more than our high school days, it's all the days that we have together.

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[05 Nov 2001|10:09pm]
I shall forever remember the gentle wind that blew through my hair as I immersed myself into this fantasy world...

Look at the tears I cried

I shall forever remember my shallow breathing, as the music whispered dreams into my head

It'll lift me up to the whole blue sky

I shall forever remember how it felt, standing in this exact spot, staring at the moon, alone...

guess who gave me hope

I will forever remember being alone, here, in this particular dimension, in this particular spot, in this particular moment

Many to my life I never saw

I will forever remember the pain, the overshadowing emotions that threatened to let my tears fall

You never asked me why

I will forever remember that decision, I had to make... the difficulties, the overriding hate for this task

You Just smiled and looked at the tears I cried

I will forever remember the sunset, the way it rose in such glorious colors as if marking the finality of the night that passed
(making me fall in love with them once again)

Maybe now I know

Now, forever burnt into my mind I will remember giving you up

Now, What I am living for...

I will forever remember the tears I cried
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[22 Oct 2001|08:14pm]
I hate waiting for things that will never come...
Dreams that cannot be understood
promises that canot be fullfilled......]

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[18 Oct 2001|12:24am]
I know a lot of times when only frivolous words turn up in the deep recesses of my mind, these words that turn into phrases,
and even stories.
These pretty words that don't mean much.
these pretty words that are only borrowed fantasies of your world.

I am more than that.
I am more than borrowed words, ideals, lives and dreams.
I am more than the sweet caress of a lover's tounge.
I am more than the winds careless whisper.

Don't confuse me with yourself.

I am real...
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[17 Oct 2001|10:48pm]
by: Angela Manalang-Gloria

It was a sacrilege, the neighbor cried,
The way she shattered every mullioned pane
To let a firebrand in. They tried in vain
To question how one so carved in pride
And glassed in dream could have so flung aside
Her graven days, or why she dared profane
The bread and wine of line for one insane
Moment with him. The scandal never died.

Bot no one guessed that loveliness would claim
Her souls cathedral burned by his desires,
or that he left her aureoled in flame...
And seeing nothing but her blackened spires,
The town condemed this girl who loved too well
And found her heaven in the depths of hell.

I was reading this on my way home from her house. I had a lot of fun there, more than I had in awhile. On the way home this though kept on floating in my head.
And she found her heaven in the depths of hell

It reminded me of the Japanese for some odd reason. My friend was telling me that the Japanese find their women or even men (bishounen) beautiful when they undergo much suffering.

Well, it's just an odd thought that haunted me on my way home... It was a thought that got louder and louder in my head - a thought that meshed with the others.
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A little comfort.... [22 Aug 2001|06:53am]
Innuendo (1991)
The Show Must Go On

Empty spaces - what are we living for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for...
Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore
The show must go on,
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on.
Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on, does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning, I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning, round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free
The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends
The show must go on
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On - with the show -
I'll top the bill, I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the -
On with the show -
The show must go on...
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[21 Aug 2001|11:53pm]
[ mood | weird ]

The water...

Let the water flow through my body...
Let me submerge into this heavenly feeling.

At least hear I don't have to think,
I don't have to feel.
I don't have to do...this

I can just be.

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[21 Aug 2001|02:55am]
I can't sleep.

I hate the way my head is all muddled up.

There's so much to say, except the pixies took away my voice..

they took away my reason...

they took away my colors...

Morgaine Lefay is jealous.

She had to steal my soul.
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[14 Aug 2001|08:33pm]
[ mood | blank ]

The rain falls
and falls
and falls.
Slowly , sweetly,
it lands on my body.
totally, engulfing my essence

It makes me look up to the blue-gray sky
And I inhale the wonderful sounds of thunder,
the essence of a thunderstorm
and I just close my eyes,
willing myself to breath,
just to breath.

Then to feel
To feel each raindrop fall
Each careless kiss is like a memory,
a sweet pain that I am trying to forget.
It drowns me.

I am consumed in these raindrop tears.

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[08 Aug 2001|03:50pm]
The only way, I am surviving this week is a pile of coke cans, a whole jar of coffee and bags of tea. with this I am taking tylenol to kill the pain in my head and back.

Well, it is no wonder that I got these horrible convulsions last night. I thought I was going to die. Sheesh... Just two more days. I need the grades.

Then after... oh an over splurge of cigs! yehee...
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[06 Aug 2001|07:15am]
Hoshi ga ochita, soshite chino ame hajimatte
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[02 Aug 2001|07:07pm]
[ mood | harassed ]

When I die,
I want no tears to be shed,
I want no words to spoken in hushed tones.

When I die,
All I ask is..
for you to sing...

too sing like there is no tomorrow.

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[01 Aug 2001|03:32pm]
I think I am loosing my eyes...
My world is just fading into these dimesions of light.
These horrible shaddows are creeping up, and eating the colours.

soon, I tell you, Myworld will just be darkness
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[30 Jul 2001|11:40am]
Everytime, less come..
They enter into doors that bleed with pain...
They come in from windows that pulsate with cries...

How can they only see the fantasy, played by the light?
They are only blinded by their own smiles, their false words...
Their excruciating chatter that echoes through the room.

My ears start to bleed as I stare at this constant swirl of noise, of colour
I am blinded by this frenzy...This everyday beauty..
That has faded into hues

Hues of black and white...
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something from the memory banks that tried to devour me today [26 Jul 2001|07:54pm]
[ mood | sad ]

You're so strong, Nicole..." She said.."how did you survive what happened to you last year?"

Yeah right, I am so strong that I can't stop shaking. I can't stop the tears from falling... I can't stop thinking and remembering...

you're so strong...

Yeah, right... If I was so strong then I can break away from this nightmare that wakes me up at night. If I was so strong I could let go...

But, I am not. I can't let go... I can't move on.. I am so afraid.

I am so scared that I will make the same mistakes.

That I would have lived in vain.

I look at her, this girl who seemed to have started my mental breakdown, and asked her, "how can you say I am strong?"

"hey," she said, "you're still here aren't you?"

I am... I am ... I whisper to myself, but you don't know the price I had to pay...

Nobody knows...

So tommorow, I will go to school and smile... and smile... and pretend I am strong...
It is enough..

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